Losing our beautiful baby #3 on Friday 3rd November 2017 was one of the most painful experiences I have ever had.
We only knew of our beautiful Bub for five precious days before our miscarry began.
I was so excited when those first two lines appeared. I was a little concerned that they were quite faint, but I decided to try and be positive and thought maybe it was just early and they would get darker.
I remember with both my girls my test lines were so bold and bright but not this time. I began to worry and more tests to quadrupole check. All kept coming up positive but faint.
I was worried, but couldn’t help to fill my heart with love for this amazing little bub growing inside of me. I felt that it was going to be a little boy and picked out a name straight away. I was so happy that Matt loved the name to.
I began day dreaming of our family growing bigger and how much fun we were all going to have, how busy and wonderful June/July 2018 was going to be. Not only would we be celebrating Little Lilah turning 2 we would also be celebrating the birth of a new sibling.
The niggling feeling wasn’t going away though that something wasn’t quite right. As each tests vibrancy didn’t show my hope was wavering. I decided to go visit my dr and have a chat and hopefully put my mind at ease. I also had had implantation bleeding so I thought maybe that was a positive sign.
My dr gave me my request for the pregnancy blood test and told me to come back the following Monday. I awoke the Friday before bleeding badly I knew I was miscarrying our precious baby to be.
In hindsight I was in shock, I went about my day visited people and even took the girls to the pet shop to play with the baby animals. All while knowing the life inside of me was slipping away.
The next day we went out for lunch as a family I wasn’t feeling well but tried to keep busy. I then lost my peripheral vision I knew instantly I was getting a migraine. Later that night I ended up in hospital where they confirmed that I had indeed had a miscarry and was having a migraine due to the drop in hormones.
I remember lying on the bed with my mum sitting next to me as they told me it’s sad but you know 1 in 3 miscarry. I honestly felt like to them I was just another statistic. I remember getting my request for an ultrasound after having stemitol and endone and reading the word Miscarry it seemed to be written enormously as though that was the only thing I could see on the paper.
The true weight of What had happened hit me the next day, I was no longer going to be a mum of three. I was never going to hold or know that precious soul. I literally felt like a piece of my heart had been torn out of me and could never be replaced…
I went to our ultrasound the next day with Matt and cried and cried as there was no trace at all of there ever being a baby the miscarry had completed successfully with no complications.
I cried for 6 weeks straight and felt as if I was going to feel this sadness forever. I could feel my heart break even more as Dot and Lilah would play with their dolls and would tell me they were practicing being big sisters for when Mummy has another baby.
I haven’t told my girls about our loss yet I know I will one day I’m still just unsure how.
I slowly began to reach out to family and friends and was overwhelmed by the love and support. As well as many friends reaching out to me about their own losses.
The love and support Matt gave to me and continues to do so I can not put into words but it has been amazing.
There is still an emptiness I feel everyday at the moment I am just trying to learn how to live with that. Some days are easier then others and some are just downright awful. But I’m getting there and my soul is slowly starting to feel with happiness.
One of the hardest things I have felt is that it is okay to be happy.
As I hold my girls close to me at night and my mans hand I feel blessed with all that I have. Hopefully one day my heart will begin to heal.
I was going to delay sharing this part of my life. When something happened today Miss Dot said to me “Mummy did you know that I have a brother who died but it’s okay he lives in the rainbows with Auntie Krissy now”.
This broke my heart at the time as I haven’t told her about our loss or that I thought it was a boy.
But now I am somewhat warmed by the thought. I have always believed that children have a way of seeing things we cannot see.
So maybe just maybe our baby has found its way to heaven as is now watching over us from above. I would sure like to believe so.